People like to reminisce
When faced with adult strife,
That in their time their school days
Were the best days of their life.

Unless you're the minority
Who breezed their way through school,
The rest of you'll agree
That's only true if you were cool.

If like me you erred towards
The swotty, geek or nerdy group,
You'll concur in my conclusion
That school was a steaming pile of poop.

And usually the misery
Was magnified in its power,
By being bullied by the girl
Who was pretty, thin and popular.

She made my life a living hell,
She mocked my Dr Martens,
She pretended to give me fashion advice,
Then laughed when I turned up in tartan.

She tripped me up and hid my books,
She laughed at my frizzy hair,
All the boys loved her, she had it all,
Her name was Clare.

Years have passed and therapists
Have taught me how to deal
With the anguish that you put me through
In adolescent zeal.

I looked you up on Facebook
To give me closure and an end,
But your f**king profile's blocked
To anyone who's not a "friend".

I thought I had moved on,
I thought I'd finally matured,
Until the day I saw you through
Those Starbucks double doors.

My stomach churned, my heart it thumped
As you stood and walked towards me
I was about to turn and run until
I was suddenly filled with glee...

You're fat!
You're really fat!
It makes me happy, joyous, ecstatic
That you look like that.
I hated you in school,
But now I want to stand by you at the swimming pool,
You're undeniably, hilariously, gloriously fat!

You're huge!
You're really huge!
I feel delighted and smug and gleeful
That you're so huge.
You used to be in the popular gang,
But now you're the size of a transit van,
You're huge! You're really huge!

You're ginormous!
You're so ginormous!
I'm genuinely on cloud nine
Now you're so enormous.
You used to date the school hunk,
But now there's quite a lot more than just junk in your trunk,
You're ginormous! You're so ginormous!

You're a heifer!
A giant heifer!
At this point in my life
Things couldn't be better.
You used to be so f**king cool,
But now you're so big that you've got your own gravitational pull,
You're a heifer! Oh such a heifer!

You're obese!
Morbidly obese!
You look like a whale
Washed up on the beach.
In school you were the biggest bitch,
But now you're the biggest bitch,
I'm so glad you lost control and you're obese.

Now if you think my mocking
Of her physical condition
Is inappropriate and mean,
I need you now to listen.

Unless you were a chubby geek,
With specs and frizzy hair,
You may never have had to endure
A girl like Clare.

The tormentor of my school days,
All I wanted was acceptance,
For you to be my friend,
Not throw my lunch over the fence.

If you believe in Karma,
You might say her time had come,
How brilliantly fantastic that
Now I'm the pretty, skinny one.

Clare, I'd never rub your nose in it,
We're adults, I'll let it pass,
But for all the sh*t you put me through
You can kiss my size 8 arse.