Unrequited

If I was your girlfriend,
I'd cook your favourite dinner,
I'd slice and dice,
Add herbs and spice,
And let the romance simmer.
To have you as my boyfriend
Would make me feel a winner,
I'd give up all
My whining gall
While striving to be thinner.

If I was your girlfriend,
I'd buy the Karma Sutra,
I'd stretch and bend,
From start to end,
And never talk about "our future".
To have you as my boyfriend
Would make me feel just super,
I'll be your whore,
I'll do your chores,
And you can be my trooper.

If I was your girlfriend,
I'd call you every day,
On the hour,
Every hour,
I'd never go away.
To have you as my boyfriend
Would be better than okay,
It'd be so great
That I'd castrate
You if you strayed.

If I was your girlfriend,
You'd have to lose your mates,
They're loud and rude,
And fat and crude,
And make you stay out late.
To have you as my boyfriend
Would prove to me that fate
Thinks you finding me in
Your recycling bin,
Does count as a first date.

If I was your girlfriend,
You wouldn't speak to girls "just to be to be nice",
Well, you couldn't speak
To slutty freaks
If your tongue's trapped in a vice.
To have you as my boyfriend
Would never just suffice,
So I have an arrangement with
A taxidermist
And a copy of Elton John's "Sacrifice".

If I was your girlfriend,
There'd be no more need for flirting,
The mind boggles
How night-vision goggles
Still can't see through curtains.
To have you as my boyfriend
I'd hold you close for certain,
When you're asleep in bed,
I'd shave your head,
And wear your barnet as a merkin